Daily Chuckle

August 17, 2006

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

The Final Treat

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "They're for the funeral."

Living Will Information

While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

Memories

Remember when we first heard a famous football player had murdered his wife and we all hoped it was Frank?

Stupidity is NOT a handicap...park elsewhere!

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them

Q: How is a man unlike a government bond?
A: Government bonds will someday mature

Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Bumper Snickers

A question for the CPA's. . .To whom do we owe the National Debt?

A Buddist nudist practices yoga bare!

I once dreamt I was a tailpipe and woke up exhausted.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

Punishment SHOULD be cruel & unusual. It works better.

When a duck sees something falling, does it yell human?

As Zeus said to Narcissus: "Watch yourself!"

You can trust me: I'm not a lawyer.

Ed seized the moment but found he had no place to put it.

With schizophrenia you're never alone!

I started with nothing and have most of it left.

A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly. -- Winnie the Pooh

In Arkansas, if a couple gets a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

Quasimodo raised rabbits.
(You've heard of the hutch back of Notre Dame.)

Opera is wonderful until they start to sing.

A Plan for Life

Step One Get up. Check the obituary page. If you're not featured, continue.

Step Two Be interested in every thing. Never stop learning.
Step Three Take chances.

Step Four Don't wait until you retire to do what you want to do. Use your own agenda. Make your own list.

Step Five Laugh. Tolerate fools and sages. If given the choice, spend more of your time with fools.

Step Six Read for pleasure.
•••••
Didn't Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) have the last word on that when he said that only royalty, editors, and people with tapeworm had the right to say "we"when they meant "I"?

Thoughts From Both of Us

Go left, go right, no one to blame
If one of the sides are both the same.
My alter ego is in quite a fix
when confronted with alternative picks.

We flipped a coin, did I and me,
and I'm to go first, right after we.
Emotions are fun for myself and me.
I glance to one side, and seem to be
Beside myself with grief, or glee.

A split personality is such a fuss,
I can't decide which one is us.
It isn't a problem for one like me,
But sure is hell for us both to agree.
•••••
If you growl all day, you will feel dog tired...
•••••
I know so little, but I know it fluently . . .

On The Road Again . . .

There was this Ventriloquist Comedian who was playing a club in Mobile, Ala.

His routine depended heavily upon "redneck" jokes. In most cities in which he performed, he was very well received, but this was a tough crowd. One fella in the audience finally stood up and interrupted his act, "Hey you up on the stage ..." a slight pause, as the Comedian paused his routine.

Then the heckler went on, "Listen, buddie, people in these parts don't take kindly to all these redneck jokes!"

The comedian could see that the man was indeed serious and that also seemed to be the room sentiment.

So the comedian took a deep breath and said, "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone"

The heckler replied "I ain't talking to you Mister, I'm talking to that dude sittin' on your lap!"

Shopping Tips

Guy walks into the store and asks the clerk, "Got any haggis?"

The clerk says, "Are you Scottish?"

The guy gets insulted. "Wait a minute here. If I had asked for
tortillas, would you have said 'are you Mexican?' If I had asked for rice would you have said 'are you Chinese?' So why, then, did you ask me if I was Scottish just because I ask for a haggis?"

Clerk: "Because this is a hardware store."

Speed Trip

Then there were the two Scots speeding down the highway at one hundred miles per hour. "Hey," asked the driver, "see any cops following us?"

"Yup"

"Damn, are his flashers on?"
"Aye.....nope.....aye.....nope.....aye....nope....."

Hunting Tale

Two Scots went deer hunting and managed to shoot a big buck. Each grabbed a hind leg, and they were pulling it through the woods when they happened across a game warden.
After making sure their hunting licenses were in order, the warden said, "If you don't mind a suggestion, fellas, you'll have a easier time pulling that deer along if you hold it by the antlers instead of the feet."

The Scots decided he probably knew what he was talking about, so they each took hold of an antler and started off again. "He was right," commented one of a few minutes later. "This really is easier."

"Aye," said his buddy, "but we're getting farther away from
the truck."

Medically Speaking . . .

A girl walked up to the information desk at Palomar Hospital and asked to see the "upturn"

"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on
duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"You must mean the maternity ward", said the nurse.

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity , maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

You Know You’re Getting Old When . . .

Your idea of obscenity is jogging.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.

You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear, simply by taking off your glasses.

You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took their exercise.

You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you can get.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.

You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.

You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.

You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.

The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very upset and worried.

You are still upset about Arthur Godfrey firing Julius LaRosa on the air.

You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.

You can recall when service stations actually were.

Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's right up there

"the idea is to die young as late as possible."
•••••
He has a great memory. It's just short.
•••••
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
--Amos and Andy

Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
--Vernon Law

Experience is the recognition when you're about to do something stupid that you've done it before and you'll do it again
--Jules Feiffer

"When our money goes to Washington it acquires glue, and when it returns to us it comes with strings." Anon.

"Give all power to the many; they will oppress the few.
Give all power to the few; they will oppress the many."
--- Alexander Hamilton

"Justice, n. A commodity which in more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service."
--- Ambrose Bierce

"During the American Revolution, George Washington used to call out for 'Beef! Beef! Beef!', but the Continental Congress called out for 'Pork! Pork! Pork!'."
--- unknown quoted by Clarence Cannon

From Woody Allen:

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Great Poetry

A lovely young girl named Anne Heuser
Declared that no man could surprise her;
But a fellow named Gibbons
Untied her Blue Ribbons,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

Einstein quotes:

Everything should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.

Lighthouses don't fire guns or ring bells to call attention to their light; they just shine.