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daily chuckle  
Untitled Document

CHUCKLES

This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!


The Right Honorable Barrister . .

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Let's Do Weeweechu!

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

BBQ RULES: Even though winter is upon us, we in Southern California still barbecue; I have a friend on the east coast that still barbecues on their deck, even amidst snow and ice. It is important, then, to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Kids Letters to the President

Dear Mr. President: How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. Timothy U., age 7, Jamestown, NY

Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president. Richard D., age 8, Greenwich, CT

Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans. A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8, Atlanta, GA

What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot. Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT

Dear Mr. President: Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle. Elizabeth P., age 8, Seattle, WA

What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble. Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL

Do you go to church on Sunday? I hope so because my mother says our country needs all the help we can get from God. Melissa, age 9, La Fayette, IN

I hope I can be president someday but my mother says first I should get a real job and work. Jerome F., age 7, New York, NY

I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about. Tracey O., age 10, Green Valley, AZ

My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years. Peter N., age 7, Bismarck, ND

Dear Mr. President: What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you. Joey P., age 8, Erie, PA

** I knew you would win the election when my best friend Amy said you would lose. Amy is always wrong. Julie P., age 9, Exeter, RI

** On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer if classified, I wouldn't be in trouble. Martin J., age 9, Philadelphia, PA

** Dear Mr. President: My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer before we are 18. Thank you, Ryan C., age 12, Philadelphia, PA

** I've been practicing piano for two years and I hate it and I am awful. My mom said President Nixon played piano. I think two years of being a bad player is enough. Please write my mom and tell her. She likes you most of the time. Melissa E., age 10, Shaker Heights, OH

** And finally a young man who is wise beyond his years.....Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets. Michael P., age 8, San Diego,Ca

 

 
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