This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.
A disguised robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly not about to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
Amazing Amish Christmas Lights!
I know it's not the season, but these are amazing! Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.
You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity.
Fooling old people is so easy!
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
\ Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?
Why I’m Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
I thought, well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Kay, said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Kay knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?'
I said, 'Thanks, Kay, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Kay said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day - we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'OK,' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and coworkers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'
And I just sat there .... on the couch ....
--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for
--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective,
but also a proven fly deterrent.
--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Four out of five doctors agree that one doctor is lying.
Stupidity is NOT a handicap...park elsewhere!
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them
Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
Q: How is a man unlike a government bond?
A: Government bonds will someday mature.
Q: What is the perfect man?
A: A gingerbread man... He's sweet, he's quiet and if he gives you any crap, you can bite his head off!
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
Punishment SHOULD be cruel & unusual. It works better.
When a duck sees something falling, does it yell human?
As Zeus said to Narcissus: "Watch yourself!"
You can trust me: I'm not a lawyer.
Ed seized the moment but found he had no place to put it.
With schizophrenia you're never alone!
I started with nothing and have most of it left.
A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly. -- Winnie the Pooh
In Arkansas, if a couple gets a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
Quasimodo raised rabbits. (You've heard of the hutch back of Notre Dame?)
Hear about the underwater, musical version of Hunchback? Yup: Ringing in the Seine.
Opera is wonderful until they start to sing.
A split personality is such a fuss,
I can't decide which one is us.
It isn't a problem for one like me,
But sure is hell for us both to agree
A girl walked up to the information desk at Palomr Hospital and asked to see the "upturn."
"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"You must mean the maternity ward", said the nurse.
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,examination; fraternity , maturnity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and Al Qaeda:
The season opened today.
There is no limit.
They taste just like chicken.
They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter
OLD IS WHEN.... Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Pick one; I can't do both!
OLD IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot
OLD IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face
OLD IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
OLD IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
OLD IS WHEN...Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN... Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN... An all nighter means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND THE BEST FOR LAST....OLD IS WHEN.... You are not sure these are jokes ...
Two Drops of Water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..."
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink."
"In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you."
"Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you."
"Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies!
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.