Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/find.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 479

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/find.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 481

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 481

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 483

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/subscribe.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 489

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/subscribe.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 491

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 491

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 493

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/contact.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 499

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/contact.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 501

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 501

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 503

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/archive.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 508

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/archive.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 510

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 510

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 512

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/r.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 518

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/r.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 520

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 520

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 522

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/dem.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 528

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/dem.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 530

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 530

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 532

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/dis.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 538

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/dis.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 540

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 540

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/getdata.php on line 542

Warning: include(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/top1.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/dailychuckle.php on line 36

Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/NC/marketing/top1.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php5/lib/php') in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/dailychuckle.php on line 36
daily chuckle  
Untitled Document

CHUCKLES

This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!


Time for Limericks

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for the vulgar and rude.

Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?

A gay chap who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

A limerick fan from Australia
regarded his work as a failure:
his verses were fine
until the fourth line
because the fifth line did not rhyme much ;)

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!

(You have to have an inkling about Einstein's TOR for this one to work on you)
There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

There was a young fellow named Goody.
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude,
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?

A programming genius called Sewter
Built a limerick-writing computer.
The metre was fine
and the rhymes quite divine
But for some reason the damn thing always
got the last line wrong.

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He replied "It's because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever possibly I can.
"

For all of those folks who are "in their middle earlies. . . "

Close your eyes (after you read this) . . . And then go back . . .
Before the Internet . . .
Before semi-automatics and crack . . .before SEGA or Super Nintendo .

GO ... WAY BACK .......

I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop, about hide and go seek, Simon Says, Red light - Green light. Lunch boxes with a thermos.

Chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, Hula Hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and moustaches, Mary Janes, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.

Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Soupy Sales, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty . . . all in black & white.

When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree. Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theatre, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.

Remember all that?

Remember not stepping on a crack or you'll break our mother's back . . paper chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington ...the smell of paste in school and an Evening in Paris. What about the girl who dotted her "i's" with hearts? The Stroll, popcorn balls, & sock hops. And dancing to "What's Behind That Green Door?" and "Ooobie Doobie?"

Remember when . . .there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym." And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When a quarter was a decent allowance,
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and
female teachers had their hair done, everyday and wore high heels.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . and did!

When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the auditorium and you danced to an orchestra.

When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger.

And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a . . . " And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.
And ... with all our progress ..... don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace .... and share it with the children of today...
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!

But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool....and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that.”

And feel free to add some of your own "I Remember That" moments...

MORE MEMORIES -
The Good Humor Man,
The Fruit & Veg Man w/ his truck,
The Umbrella Man,(in Omaha, there was the Broom man)
Milk in bottles with actual cream on the top of the milk
Milk boxes (where you left the empty bottles for the milk man)
Stick ball, metal rollerskates that fit over your shoes and needed a key.

45 & 78 lp's (long playing) records; and lets not forget Record Players.
The plastic disks that fit inside the 45's so you could play the record.
The bread man and the milk man came in a horse drawn carrier. We'd get our milk from the Royal Dairy . . . ice cream too!

Mom could send us to the store for a pound of ground beef for $.50. The drugstores had a soda fountain in it.

 

 

 
Warning: include(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/longad.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/dailychuckle.php on line 50

Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/longad.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php5/lib/php') in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2010/10_14/dailychuckle.php on line 50