This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
Some Wives Have No Sense of Humor
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM
A Real Man
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait ... Sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that. Never mind.
Truths for Mature Humans
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live in maid to cook and do housework. They hired a lovely lady for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
“But why?" Asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say but the wife was persistent,…so finally, she said, ‘Well, on my day off a couple of months ago, I met this good looking fellow from over in the next county….and well…I’m pregnant.”
The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have children, and we’ll adopt your baby, if you will stay.”
She talked to her husband, he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, ‘I am definitely leaving this time.”
“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.
“No,” she said, ‘there are just too many kids here to pick up after!”
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly, she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid air.
“Oh my God! I am sooooo sorry!” the woman said as she popped her eye back into the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and played cards.
The next morning, when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman! Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No," she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye!”
You Can’t . . .
You can't cure hams with a hammer,
You can't weigh grams with a grammar,
Mend socks with a socket,
Build docks with a docket,
Nor gather up clams with a clamor.
You can't pick locks with a pickle,
You can't cure the sick with a sickle,
Pluck figs from a figment,
Drive pigs with a pigment,
Nor make your watch tick with a tickle.
You can't make a mate of your mater,
You can't get a crate from a crater,
Catch moles with a molar,
Bake rolls with a roller -
But you can get a wait from a waiter.
You can't raise crops with a cropper,
You can't shave your chops with a chopper,
Break nags with a nagger,
Shoot stags with a stagger,
Nor pop to the store with a popper.
You can't grow your beeves from a beaver,
You can't catch the heaves from a heaver,
Get grains from a grainer,
Draw strains from a strainer,
Nor cleave to your wife with a cleaver.
A bat can't be made out of batter,
A flat's not a thing that can flatter,
A pond does not ponder,
A wand will not wander,
And so that's the end of this patter.
Stagecoach pulls into town and comes to a stop amid a cloud of
dust. Driver and shotgun rider jump down, slap their dusters with their stetsons and shake off the dirt of a long, difficult trip.
Sheriff walks up. . ."you guys seen anything strange out on the trail?"
"Nope. . .same old stuff, sheriff. Cactus and sand and dust and a few varmints. What're ya lookin' fer?"
"Black Bart," said the sheriff.
"Hmmmm. What's he look like?"
"Wears a 3 foot tall paper ten gallon hat, paper shirt, paper vest, paper trousers and paper chaps".
"Hmmmm. What's he wanted for?"
Some evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine:
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, ‘Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia"?
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees. "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.