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daily chuckle  
Untitled Document

CHUCKLES

This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!



Senior Sex

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after we have sex the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."?

Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

When Love Fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard Evelyn's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied, "You're having soup, you old goat! I was talking to the cats!

World Traveler

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue .. including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time, to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

No,” I confessed.

Then that explains,” she said, ‘why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”

•••••

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible What could be worse? What’s the VERY bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday…..

•••••

In a spy novel Bob read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington D.C. Shortly after he finished the novel, Bob was in that city, and on a whim, he decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described.

To his great surprise, it did….and a cellophane wrapped letter was inside. After a moment’s hesitation, he pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter!

An unidentified reader had penned, "Good book, wasn’t it?”

The Commode

Roger’s wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

About that time, Roger got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Roger undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Roger drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before.

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed before.

How Hot is it in Arizona?

IT'S SO HOT IN ARIZONA
....birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
....trees are whistling for dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps.
....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn seat belt buckles make a good branding iron.
....when the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel chilly.
....you discover in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up baking on the pavement?"
....you realize asphalt has a liquid stage.
....potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out, and add butter.
....cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs!


IT'S SO DRY IN ARIZONA...
Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

Why Italians Pass Their Handguns Down

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside:
"Guido, I wan'a you lissina me. I wan'a you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will alwaysa remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man ... Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

Hoorah for the Lady Jarhead!

Entering a classroom at MCAS, (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, Ariz., a female Marine captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience.

She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction in Iraqi Electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class of Marine Fighter Pilots.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. Unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty," but it was only fair to warn the audience, however, that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 sets of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Health Insurance

After the eighty three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times....What we have is Blue Cross!"

Purportedly Submitted by Real Medical Practitioners...

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. .

Which one ?'. .. . I asked.

'The patch...the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .'So how's your breakfast this morning?'

It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.’ .. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green an above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name,

AND FINALLY! . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .

'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

 
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