|
|
|
|
 |
|||
CHUCKLESThis week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!The Checkout Lane I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ••••• All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ••••• Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?' Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' ••••• Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord...'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.' Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.' Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.' ••••• 'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I
want you to marry Bob.'
••••• A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poi soning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison' ••••• The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail all the time. And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal. And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve, and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content, and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.' And God said, 'I will create for them a companion, who will be with them, and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve thus learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And... Cat didn't care . . . one way or the other. ••••• If I Didn't Have a Dog ... or Cat ... I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety. My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated. All flat surfaces, clothing, furni ture and cars would be free of hair. When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel. When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there. I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable. I would have money and no guilt to go on a real vacation. I would not be on a firstname basis with six veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college. The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay and leave it ALONE. My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barri ers. I would not talk 'baby talk' 'Eat your din din', 'Yummy yummy for the tummy.' My house would not look like a day care center with toys every where. My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash. I would no longer have to spell the words, BALL, WALK, TREAT, OUT, GO, RI DE, NUMMY. I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside. I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much. I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading 'mud' season. I would not have to answer the question, 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get. How EMPTY my life would be! The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.” The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.” Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What's for dinner ZORRO?”CATTLE GUARDS For those of you who have never traveled to the West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dugout places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing. For some reason the cattle will not step on the guards, probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers had protest ed his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately. Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice President, Joe Biden intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. ••••• Obama is not the darked skinned, antiwar, socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus. ••••• Biblical Questions Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless.Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah . He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard through out the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles Were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 com mandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. PS.. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'
|
 |
|
|