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CHUCKLESThis week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The CriteriaThis morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my dogs are unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday. Damn! This is a great country! Ole and ClarenceOle lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bensen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofver dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses. Ole's wife, Lena , says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?" Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!" Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home. Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back? Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 inches." PS: Being mostly Norwegian, I thought I'd heard or read every Lena and Ole joke. This one I'd never heard/read. Made me laugh out loud. .....From the book, “Never a Dull Moment,” by Larry and Carol Hall In the early 1970's, I was an on-the-air reporter in Omaha for what was known then as WOW Radio and TV. The staff there still included talented people who had been there when the first Omaha television stations began telecasting. In those early days, the networks had no direct link to local stations such as WOW. Instead their shows were recorded and shipped to Omaha. This left the local station scrambling for programming to fill their daily telecast schedule. One of my favorite WOW Television stories is about a creative young man who appeared on many live local programs in those pioneering days. Station legend has it that one day he made a personal long distance telephone call on a WOW telephone. The call cost a whopping 35 cents. Well! When the next phone bill arrived in the accounting office, the manager discovered this dastardly deed, tracked down that young announcer and began hounding him for the money. This went on for quite some time, until finally one day an armored car pulled up in front of the television station. Two armed guards got out, walked in the front door, back to the accounting office, and laid 35 cents on the manager's desk. Payment in full for the long distance telephone call made with thirty-five pennies. That young announcer, the one who made the long distance telephone call and his dramatic payment, was Johnny Carson. -Larry Hall PS: I grew up in Omaha. Started my radio career there (25 years). I was just a youngster when Carson appeared on WOW-TV. I remember watching him and thinking, “this guy isn’t gonna go anywhere in show biz.” Some prediction I made. (I also remember seeing a hokey show on tv called “Hee-Haw.” Same comment. This is too hokey. America will reject this show. Hee-Haw was on tv for 23 years. I have reetired from being a Show Business Prophet. lyle e davis Stimulus Funds - Q&ASometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another "Economic Stimulus" payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an "Economic Stimulus" payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: • If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka. • If you spend it on gasoline, our money will go to the Arabs. • If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. • If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. • If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. • If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. • If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help. The Wild, Wild WestA blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway the horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. Canadian JokesAfter the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it. The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?' The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.' .....A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?' 'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob. 'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.' .....An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, 'Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?' 'Sure it's easy.' replied the neurosurgeon. 'All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie..' He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him 'I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.' The patient replied 'Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?' .....Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. .....In Canada , we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. .....One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!' A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. 'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge. 'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer. .....An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. 'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.' 'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened to the other two?' 'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.' Send these on to all of your Canadian friends to give them all a good laugh ... EH?! .....Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes..' They were seated immediately .....The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. |
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