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The Paper - Escondido San Marcos North County
daily chuckle  
Untitled Document

CHUCKLES

Words You Don’t Hear Anymore

Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!

Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up. 

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed,  you've been playing outside all day barefooted.

Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!

Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off. 

There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.

You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after a while.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!

Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.

Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don't have 10 cents  for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.

Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.

When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!


So a Pirate Walks Into a Bar ...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." 

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" 

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." 

"What about that eye patch?" 

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." 

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop." 

"It was my first day with the hook."


Burma Shave

Ahhh, for the simple days.....

During the 1930's and '40's before there were interstates, everyone drove the old 2-lane roads and highways.   Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside by the edge of those roads, next to farmers' fences.

They were five small red signs with white letters, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a 4-line couplet ... and the obligatory 5th sign advertised Burma Shave, a popular men's shaving cream.

Here are some of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW

OUT SO FAR

IT MAY GO HOME

IN ANOTHER CAR.

BURMA SHAVE

 

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH

BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS

HER HUSBAND JAKE

BURMA SHAVE

 

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD

TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD

YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

BURMA SHAVE

 

DROVE TOO LONG

DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

IS NOT AMUSING

BURMA SHAVE

 

BROTHER SPEEDER

LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER

GOOD MORNING, NURSE

BURMA SHAVE

 

THE SPEED WAS HIGH

THE WEATHER WAS NOT

THE TIRES WERE THIN

X MARKS THE SPOT

BURMA SHAVE

 

AROUND THE CURVE

LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR

WASN'T IT?

BURMA SHAVE

 

NO MATTER THE PRICE

NO MATTER HOW NEW

THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE

IN THE CAR IS YOU

BURMA SHAVE

 

AT INTERSECTIONS

LOOK EACH WAY

A HARP SOUNDS NICE

BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY

BURMA SHAVE

 

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL

EYES ON THE ROAD

THAT'S THE SKILLFUL

DRIVER'S CODE

BURMA SHAVE

 

THE ONE WHO DRIVES

WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU

TO DO HIS THINKING

BURMA SHAVE

 

PASSING A SCHOOL ZONE

TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE

SHAVERS GROW

BURMA SHAVE

 

A GUY, A MISS

A CAR, A CURVE

HE KISSED THE MISS

AND MISSED THE CURVE

BURMA SHAVE 

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're a mere child. If they do, then you're old as dirt ...


Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were seven more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

DAMN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”


Penguins

I never knew this.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica  - where do they go?

Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. 

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

(You didn’t really think I knew anything about Penguins, did you?)


It’s Dr. Seussian!

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his

health care scam.

I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie

and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals,

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker  Nan,

I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'.

I do not like this spending spree,

I'm smart, I know that nothing's free,

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope.

I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!

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