A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a
few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid,
Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why
do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter,’
asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called
on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied,
'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station
where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly
to capture him.’ Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father
moved from horse to horse, looking up and down the horse's legs and body. After
a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and
in good shape before I buy.’ Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think
the UPS guywants to buy Mom ...'
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike
and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage
makes you a car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If
you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to
join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't
listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and
when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every
quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait,
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll
be warm for the rest of his life.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers
is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight
for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress
people that don't matter.
Vegetarian: Native American word for "lousy hunter".
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Life's like a bird -- it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will
help you move a dead body.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How are a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce the Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans, Relax! Here is our real problem.
In a Florida State classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be
President of the United States. It is pretty simple. The candidate must be a
natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this
requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant but many jaws hit the floor
when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born
citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that vote in our elections!
They breed and they walk among us ...
Proof that men do remember...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps in to the room, 'Why are
you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating?
I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.
The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.
She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male
customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter
how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his
van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I published it in this week’s editon of The Paper because I figured I
had nothing Toulouse.