Untitled Document
This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat
stuff you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Beer
This is alarming ...
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month,
scientists from Montreal University released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a serious
look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones
(hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into
women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one
(1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100%
of the test subjects, yes, ALL of
these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively
without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed
to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
So, What’s Up?
Hummmm what a useful little two lettered word. Bet you never gave this a second
thought. I know I didn't realize this little word had so many different meanings.
I am sure this isn’t all either ...
Think about it. UP
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter
word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the Dictionary as an [adv], [prep],
[adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the
leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old
car.
At other times this little word
has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses. To be dressed
is one thing but to be dressed
UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A
drain must be opened UP
because it is stopped UP. We
open UP a store in the morning
but we close it UP at night. We
seem to be pretty mixed UP
about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP, look UP the
word UP in the dictionary. In a
desk-sized dictionary, it takes
UP almost 1/4 of the page and
can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you
might try building UP a list of
the many ways UP is used. It
will take UP a lot of your time,
but if you don't give UP, you
may wind UP with a hundred or
more.
When it threatens to rain, we
say it is clouding UP. When the
sun comes out we say it is clearing
UP. When it rains, it soaks
UP the earth. When it does not
rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll
wrap it UP, for now ... my time
is UP!
Oh ... one more thing: What is
the first thing you do in the
morning and the last thing you
do at night?
UP!
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book ..
or not ... it's UP to you. Now I'll shut UP.
•••••
I had just come out of a deli with a roasted chicken, a meatball sandwich,
french fries, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, 'I've
not eaten for two days.'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
•••••
A mature woman notified her husband shortly after their 50th anniversary that
she was having an affair.
“Really? He said, Who’s catering it?”
His funeral service is next Saturday.
Observations on Growing Older
~Your kids are becoming you .. and you don't like them ... but your grandchildren
are perfect!
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for
your age!"
~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on
everything ... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew
you!
~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance
of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going
to be really good at anything ...
especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on
you to remember things you
don't remember.
~The things you used to care to
do, you no longer care to do,
but you really do care that you
don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does
in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep"...
~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you
GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE
an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married" ... Now,
"I hope they STAY married!"
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON"
and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something
that made you climb on a table.
~You use more four letter words ... "what?"..."when?"
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You read 100 pages into abook before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless?"
~What used to be freckles are
now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have three sizes of
clothes in your closet .... two of
which you will never wear.
~ But old is good in some things: Old songs Old movies And best of all OLD
FRIENDS!
•••••
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for
Obama" hat and a "Save the trees" shirt. The man
was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to
free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go
Sarah" shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The other two
men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball
bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.
The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat of their pickup.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that
this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck
was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied.
"He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"
Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor naturally inquires, "What has happened to you?”
His patient moans, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
The Doctor declares, "Why that’s absolutely, inexcusably reprehensible!
I do though have a truly successful medical solution for such a problem. When
your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing
it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed
and is asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman
comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn.
She proclaims, "Oh Doctor, your suggestion was such a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished my mouth out with sweet tea.
I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Nodding his head, the Doctor answers, "You see how much keeping your
mouth shut helps?"
Men Have Better Friends
A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she
slept at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of
them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. Next morning he told his wife he slept at
a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed
that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three
of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times
my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!
Why are you looking way down here? It's your turn to say something.
|
