Late Night Comedy Attacks on the Administration
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree ... and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
Mommy, the Marine
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
E-Bay Help Needed
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put in a $3.00 bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit” and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his cabinet.....
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied ... 'Get your own damn blanket.'
"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.
You can't do that now. Too damned many security cameras."
The Brunette was thrilled to be home early ... she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The Redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
Subject: Three blondes
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and Said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The Detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The Detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her Face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The Redneck Book Of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
Entertaining in Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
Gosh, I'm Rich!
Silver in the Hair, Gold in the Teeth, Stones in the Kidneys, Sugar in the Blood. Lead in the Ass, Iron in the Arteries and an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas. I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!