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	Household Tips You have probably had some Windex tips before, but this is one that really works. If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking. Marketing Strategy A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie, I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.' 'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. 'Your lousy brother won't let me in without a tie.' Balance - in God’s Eyes God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, 'Where have you been?' God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.' Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.' God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.' God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?' 'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.' God smiled as he said, 'There is another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.' Not For Sale Dear Madam: Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys shop. You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. Please select another item, because that is our fire extinguisher. No One Believes Seniors No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, 'I love you, Sally'. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up. Not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag .... and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI Agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him; he's getting senile." The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......." The first FBI Agent turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!" Put Seniors in Jail! Put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in nursing homes! This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to. The “criminals” would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised. Lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room, and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all! The Changing Times The Lord's Prayer = 66 words The Gettysburg Address = 286 words The Declaration of Independance = 1,322 words US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage = 26,911 words ••••• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven Wright ••••• Once the bugs are ironed out, we'll have lotsa flat bugs ••••• My foot's asleep; wonder what it's dreaming about? ••••• Angry cellist = Yo Ma Ma ••••• Actual Bumper Stickers Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine I love cats ... they taste just like chicken Out of my mind. Back in five minutes Cover me. I'm changing lanes. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools Happiness is a belt-fed weapon Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.......Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.... The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I souport publik edekasion The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggi'... till you can find a rock. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening. Forget World Peace; visualize using your turn signal. ••••• Drunk staggering down the street when around the corner comes a nun. He lays her out with one punch, then sneers: "Yer not so tough now, are ya, Batman?" ••••• In keeping with the proper spirit of the season, you'll be happy to know I've made substantial donations in your name to the Salvation Navy and the widow of the Unknown Soldier. ••••• True dignity: Remaining aloof during a prostate exam. Kids's Quotes Home is where the house is. --Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 12 My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at your Desk 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."