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	Political Advice Limit all US politicians to two terms ... One in office, one in prison ... Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them. Not a Mortal Wound Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda 's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, but that could be a coincidence. I Just Made These Up - Honest - No, Really . . . 1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, 'makes no difference who you are." 2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. 5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!" 6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." 7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one). 10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." The “Middle Wife” The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher: I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked a round the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. Senior Dress Code Many folks over 50 are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedos and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Miniskirts and varicose veins The California Economy Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks dog. #1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. #3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases. #4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged. #5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals. #6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area. #7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease. #8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene. #9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent. #10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state. Texas : #1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote. Any wonder why California is broke? Forgetter Be Forgotten? My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering If I really should be 'there' And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say 'what am I here for?' I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say 'Hi' and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, 'who the hell was that? Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. You Might Be a Redneck If - You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You should refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you. Bar Mitzvah Definition A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one. ••••• We’re getting so old that whenever we eat out, they ask for money up front. We’re getting so old we don’t buy green bananas. Observations on Some Strange Folks We Know When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. This young lady had delusions of adequacy. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. If you gave him a penny for his toughts, you'd get change. ••••• As a rule, I don't usually pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails because they are almost always bogus. BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list so just add yours and then send it on. PLEASE keep it going! To show your support for President Obama please go to the end of the list and add your name. 1. Michelle Obama 2. Vodka Uses 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. 5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry. 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them. 9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes. 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. Silly me! I used to drink it!