Daily Chuckle

April 15th, 2010

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

This Really Happened

A Grasshopper walks into a bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Did you know there was a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper says, "Really? There's a drink named Irving?

Short, Witty, Dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and last but not least.....WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Diplomacy

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some idiot wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Texas."

"No kiddin’?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

“That's right," replies the barman. "The circus."

The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........"What the hell would they want with a plasterer?!"

FORGIVENESS
a human interest story

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many here have forgiven your enemies?'

80% of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question and all responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely - Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight,' she replied. The entire congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, 'I outlived the old bags.'

Nothing Like a Good Bible Story to Make Your Day

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

The rest is history!

Tanjooberrymutts

The following is a telephonic exchange between, perhaps, you, as a hotel guest and room-service today ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: "...What?"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den ?! Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes ?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. Uai sahn toes ?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so.."
Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes?"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! Toes! Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please. And that's everything."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye?"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Our Beauty Contestants:

Carrie Prejean, Miss California:
On whether or not God opposes breast implants: "No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants."

Miss Panama: Explain the Confucius quote "Learning without thought is labor lost": "Good evening, Panama. Confucius was one of whom invented confusion and that's why, uhh... One of the most ancient, he was one of the Chinese.... Japanese who were one of the most ancient. Thank you."

The Pearl Harbor Girl: What is the most important event in our nation's history? "In my opinion, Pearl Harbor which occurred on December 7, 1941, was the most significant event in our nation's history because [long pause] because it ended the great depression and forced us into the World War II, and... [long pause] ...A...nd our country experienced patriotism and unity."

Jeannie Anderson, Miss Phillipines: Question: Would you rather be more smart, or more beautiful? "Well, I'd rather choose to be beautiful, um because, to be beautiful it's natural. But being smart you can learn... you can learn, um a lot of things... a lot of things from the experience... you can learn from a lot of things being smart."

Nadine Tanega - Miss Hawaii, At Miss World American 1992: "We are truly the land of the great. From the rock shores of... Hawaii... to the beautiful sandy beaches of... Hawaii... America is our home."

Alicia-Minique Blanco - Miss Arizona: Should the U.S. have universal health care as a right of citizenship? "I think this is an issue of integrity regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on. I was raised in a family to know right from wrong and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right its an issue of integrity, no matter what your opinion is, and I say that with the utmost conviction."

Lauren Caitlin Upton - Miss Teen South Carolina: Response to why 1/5 Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Lauren Ashley - Miss Beverly Hills: On gay marriage: “I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

Bed Patients

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'