Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||April 1st, 2010|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Ducks In Heaven!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular . . .
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'
Quote of the Day: "On a more serious front, I sincerely hope that when the president goes in for his annual check-up, the doctors will do a brain scan. Surely something must be terribly wrong with a man who seems to be far more concerned with a Jew building a house in Israel than with Muslims building a nuclear bomb in Iran."
Columnist Burt Prelutsky
Let's talk about the fun we had ‘way back when.’ Hopscotch, rubber guns, kick the can, stickball and touch football in the sandlot. We actually climbed trees and went hiking up in the hills. Outrageous!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone, rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends." OH MY GOD! Think of the horror ... not being in touch with someone 24/7! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent ... you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids.' Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play ... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside ... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckiy, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards, The Over 30 Crowd
FATHER OF THE YEAR
A man boarded a plane with five kids. (Gutsy guy!)
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
The Modern Parable
Mark 1:40-42 -- 40 And there came a leper to Him, beseeching Him, and kneeling down to Him, and saying unto Him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. 41 And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; render unto me thy proof of insurance. 42 Lo, the leper had no insurance, and Jesus did not cleanse him.
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. ‘This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
‘That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your darned Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
My Favorite Blonde
During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week playing tennis, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Fred. 'He's in my tennis league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Fred’s funeral is Saturday.