Daily Chuckle

March 4th, 2010

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Affair With an Older Woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well, more than a bit) and we had a cuddle. She asked me if I had ever had a “Sportsman’s Double.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s a mother daughter threesome,” she said.

“Oh,” I said, as my mind began to embrace the idea. “No, I haven’t.”

I began to wonder what this daughter of hers looked like.

We drank a bit more then she says with a wink, tonight was my “lucky night.”

I went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and then shouted upstairs, “Mom, you still awake?”

Exam Answers

This is especially for our friends who are teachers…

No matter how far our exams are dumbed down, it seems it's not far enough for today's pupils…

But rather than admit defeat in the face of tricky questions, some decide to take a more creative approach to their answers.
(Some of these must be college level questions.)

What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

What did Mahatma Gandi and Ghengis Khan have in common?

Unusual names.

Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.

Learning to speak Latin.

Name one measure that can be put in place to avoid river flooding in times of extensive rainfall (e.g. in Mississippi).

Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi may be avoided by putting a number of big dames into the river.

Name six animals that live specifically in the Arctic.

Two polar bears, three, four seals.

Assess Fashion House’s choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?

No, people from Birmingham aren’t very fashionable.

How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?

It doesn’t. It’s just self, self, self, all the way through.

Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.

Mrs. Orpheus

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

What happens during puberty to a boy?

He says goodbuye to his childhood, enters adultery.

State three drawbacks to hedgerow removal.
a. The cows will escape.
b. The cars drive into the fields.
c. There is nowhere to hide.

What is the meaning of the word ‘varicose.’

Close by.

What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?

Mariah Carey

What is a fibula?

A little lie.

Why would living close to a mobile home mast cause ill health?

You might walk into it.

Joanna works in an office. She has a stand-alone computer system. What is a stand-alone computer system?

It doesn’t come with a chair.

Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second. and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?

He could tell by looking at his speedometer.

Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.

You get your electricity faster.

What is a vibration.

There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960’s.

Where was Hadrians Wall built?

Around Hadrian’s garden.

The race of people known as Malays comes from which country?

Malaria.

More Wisdom from Kids

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Rick, age 10

More Limericks

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?

A gay chap who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

A limerick fan from Australia
regarded his work as a failure:
his verses were fine
until the fourth line
because the fifth line did not rhyme much.

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!

(You have to have an inkling about Einstien's TOR for this one to work on you)

There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

(A Little Mental Health Humor)

A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."

Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs...

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Biker’s Bar in Florida