Daily Chuckle

February 18th, 2010

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

You May Now Kiss the . . . YIKES!

Arab ambassador discovers bride is bearded and cross-eyed . . . behind the veil:

News item from The Telegraph, United Kingdom:

An Arab ambassador has called off his wedding after discovering his wife-to-be who wears a face-covering veil is bearded and cross-eyed. The envoy had only met the woman a few times, during which she had hidden her face behind a niqab, the Gulf News reported.

After the marriage contract was signed, the ambassador attempted to kiss his bride-to-be. It was only then that he discovered her facial hair and eyes. The ambassador told an Islamic Sharia court in the United Arab Emirates he was tricked into the marriage as the woman's mother had shown his own mother pictures of her sister instead of his bride-to-be.

He sued for the contract to be annulled and also demanded the woman pay him 500,000 dirhams (£85,000) for clothes, jewelry and other gifts he had bought for her. The court annulled the contract but rejected the ambassador's demand for compensation. The report did not identify the ambassador.

Limericks

If you, like me, enjoy Limericks, you’re in for a treat today. Limericks are normally a five line poem, with the first second and fifth line rhyming, as do the third and fourth . . . normally.

They are always amusing, sometimes bordering on obscene, sometimes crossing the border and are downright obscene. The obscene ones we shan’t post here.

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

Tis a favorite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Once found a priest in Jamaica,
He thought if he should or not make her,
But make her do what?
Is the end of the plot?
Or just another orgasmic milk shaker

I am very strange indeed,
In fact I feel like a weed,
Then out with the trowel,
Cut me up with a growl,
Before I can plant some more seed.

The 80-year-old accused of rape was Mort,
The judge did his best, though quite short,
But the jury was sympathetic,
Coz Mort was old and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn't stand up in the court.

There was a young fellow named Goody.
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude,
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

Politics, they say, is a game
Within which one can achieve fame
Make promises galore
And act like a whore
Each Party is exactly the same

The East is buried in snow
leaving people with no place to go.
In nine months hence,
as a consequence,
The birth rate will surely grow

The bride to her new husband came
professing a virginity claim.
In the throes of their passion
All she could fashion
Was another gentlemen's name.

The Governor quit her job,
to become a Conservative heartthrob
"Who cares what I know
It's all a big show,
And I really appeal to the mob."

Dastardly Dan was quite a doozie
and lustfully enthralled by a floozie.
He had one eye.
And was a testicle shy,
No wonder he couldn't be choosy.

Scandanavians tend to be droll,
Morose in body and soul.
It must be their diet,
who else would try it,
Lutefisk and surkal in a bowl.

And in the Honorable Mention, Nice Try Category:

There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He replied "It's because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever possibly I can."

A programming genius called Sewter
Built a limerick-writing computer.
The metre was fine
and the rhymes quite divine
But for some reason the damn thing always
got the last line wrong.

Honors Galore

The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as.... "Bush's Fault"

Two of the greatest qualities in life are:

Patience
and
Wisdom

The Wild, Wild West

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl, biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: 'Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
•••••
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.