Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||January 21st, 2010|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Two businessmen in Arizona were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling dummies."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You ' re doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with us!
Teacher Arrested in
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow--
Further investigations have uncovered the extent of a diabolical plan - evidence now points that the plot has existed for several hundred years as Arab mathmilitants covertly began introducing the 0 to 9 numerical system gradually replacing the Roman numerals.
Although the decimal system is pervasive, a major struggle is now taking place between the Decimal disciples and the Booleans. Booleans maintain that only two outputs are required to generate a single output, and have created the binary code, with which they are using to take control of the planet.
Fundamentalist groups, such as the Arithmeticians, still insist on
memorizing multiplication tables. Divisionists, on the other hand, claim that in today's reality of lower expectations we need to prepare to accept fractions of past totals as pushed
by Additionists battling Subtractionists who claim less is better and the true path to salvation.
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Nebraska ...
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Nebraska.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Nebraska.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Nebraska.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Nebraska.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of GRAND ISLAND for the weekend, you live in Nebraska.
If you measure distance in squares of farm land, you live in Nebraska.
If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you live in Nebraska.
If you have gone from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Nebraska.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Nebraska.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Nebraska.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Nebraska.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Nebraska.
If the I-80 speed limit is 75 mph -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you live in Nebraska.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Nebraska.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Nebraska.
If you have more hours on your snow blower than miles on your car, you live in Nebraska.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly," you live in Nebraska.
If you understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Nebraska friends and others, you actually have lived in Nebraska.
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What's up with the big brass gong?” one of his guests asked.
“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How's it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed ...“You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!”
The Definition of Old
Hoping to shock my husband into finally listening to me on the eve of our 50th wedding anniversary I quietly said to him . . . “I’m having an affair.”
He turned to me and asked, “are you having it catered?”
And that, my friend, is the definition of OLD!
The economy is so bad that . . .
1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
2. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
11. The Mafia is laying off judges.
12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
13. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally ...
14. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.