Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||January 14th, 2010|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.
"You May be a Taliban if . . . “
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Interesting Stats . . . Scary Stats!
1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer, and most speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
8. During this same period, 31 supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy because the idiots in Washington sure can't do it!
It's winter in Nebraska
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Nebraska
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Nebraska
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!
The Worlds Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
ACCOMPLISHMENTS& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE ......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
I found a new Oriental Doctor . . . I think I shall like him. Witness:
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That mean they take water out of fruity bit; get more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain ... Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Vegetable! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND ... for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat .... And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat .... And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine ..... And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine ...... And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats .... And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
*Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.*
The Train Ride
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
Pure Mountain Logic
A Tennessee couple, Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis, had 9 kids. Dave went to the doctor to get a vasectomy. The doctor began the procedure but asked the couple what finally made them come to this decision? Why, after nine children, did the decide now was the time?
Well, they said, they had read somewhere that every 10th child born in the United States of in America was born Mexican and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither one of them spoke Spanish.
Dave went on to say that his brother and his wife just had a baby but he hadn’t heard yet whether it was a boy or a girl so he didn’t know if he was an uncle or an aunt.
There are some who say of Dave (and Rebecca) . . . “If both of them had another brain they’d still be lonely.