Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||December 10th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Martha Stewart's Way:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Attitude: The difference between an adventure and an ordeal.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read these tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a wonderful Christmas season!
The Texas Solution To Illegal Immigration
The Dallas Solution:
There is a president of this homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas, suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (the president) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.
The trash was coming from the foreign laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, soda cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.
So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.
They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.
After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.
It has been ten days now. The General Contractor, is is said, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegals .. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, go for it !
So, folks, it just might be that Texas ingenuity triumphed again!
The Shoe Box
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to crochet…
Just Wondering . . .
If a Jewish guy joins a monastery, is the then known as a schmunk?
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt
The brother who ate prunes
The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia
His magician uncle
His Mexican cousin
A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother
The nephew who drove a stage coach
The constipated uncle
The ballroom dancing aunt
The bird lover uncle
The fruit-loving cousin
An aunt who taught positive thinking
The little bouncy nephew
A sister who loved disco
And his niece who travels the country in an RV
Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .
there ya Gogh!
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer, Amen."