Daily Chuckle

December 3rd, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Indian Mating Season

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was that Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ...

Naked Hillbilly Run Over by Train!

•••••

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning, uphill.... barefoot.... BOTH WAYS!
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of fifty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today ...

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue! No spell-check either, we had to look that up, too! Don't bring up math. There were no calculators! (Do you even know what 'times tables' are?)

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our behinds! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the 'record store' and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talked over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone, 'cause that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances.

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders', 'Asteroids', and 'Pong'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

Regards,

The over 50 Crowd

Incredibly Wealthy

Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Feet
Iron in the Arteries.
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
We never thought we'd accumulate such wealth.

A Recession Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature had money: All poor as a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
in hopes that Saint Nick had some loose change to spare.
The kids were nestled all snug in their beds.
While visions of bailouts danced in their heads.
And ma in her PJs and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the street there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash!
Maybe someone down there was giving out cash!

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the ice on my front walk a lustrous glow
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer!

But the sled was all broken; The reindeer all sore,
'cause the reindeer and sleigh had hit my front door!
And the little old driver was cussing so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

Then, more rapid than vultures the lawyers they came,
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name.
Now Tony, now, Harry! Now, Paddy and Chico!
On, Eli! On, Ella! on Stella and Rico!

At the top of his voice, he cried, "Now heed my call!"
"Now sue away! sue away! sue away all!
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the courthouse the lawyers they flew,
with a sleigh full of lawsuits and St. Nicholas too.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere they drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, "I" had a good night!"

Jim Razzi
•••••
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

New Living Will Form . . .

I, ____________________ being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Martini ______a Margarita ______ a Scotch & soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Beer_______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______the sports page ______Chocolate or ______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast all the good times we have had.

Signature:
________________________

Date
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