Daily Chuckle

November 19th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
(That Really Work!)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anythng but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
•••••
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a couple weeks of captivitiy they can train humans to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
•••••
When you think about it, God has to be the best inventor ever. He took a rib from Adam and made it into a loudspeaker.
Best way to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out!
•••••
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the breeze is blowing, and the lawnmower is broken.
•••••
Some really famous person, it may have been me, once said, the best form of birth control for those over 50 is . . . nudity.
•••••
Someone else once said, wasn’t me, the biggest reason woman’s work is never done is they just don’t get up early enough!

A Truly Inspiring Story

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night"?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you because you're not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can't tell you because you're not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, “May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Hey! Don’t swear at me. I’m still hunting for the idiot that sent me this story!

They Are Only Words . . .

The Ten Commandments consists of 297 words.

The Bill of Rights contains 463 words.

Lincoln's Gettysburg Address contains 266 words.

A federal directive written to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.

Sometimes government's verbosity is just annoying. Sometimes it's expensive.

The House version of the National Health Care bill contains 1990 pages, and 400,000 words. With a ten-year cost of $894 billion, that figures out to about 2.24 MILLION DOLLARS PER WORD.

Who ever said that talk was cheap?

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to 20inch height of the first
step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
•••••
Jewish perspective that’s been circulating around the Internet…

There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.

To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, shlubs, shmoes, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else. Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!
•••••
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
•••••
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'