Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||November 12th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The Lawman - Up to Speed
Snow Country DUI Stop
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.
About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana state Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled. "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
Growing Older - Look At It This Way . . .
01. It's harder to tell navy from black.
02. Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the second time around.
03. Your kids are becoming like you---and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
04. Yellow becomes your big color---your eyeballs, your skin, your teeth, your underwear.
05. Going out is good; coming home is even better!
06. When people say you look "Great," they add, "for your age!"
07. When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything---movies, hotels, flights.
08. You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
09. The last two outfits you wore had spots on them.
10. You ask your spouse or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
11. The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
12. You realize you're never going to be really good at anything---especially golf.
13. Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
14. The things you cared to do, you now don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
15. Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
16. Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
17. You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married." Now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
18. The best place to have a conversation with your spouse is in the bathroom-- you have his/her full attention.
19. You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch; when GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem were unheard of; and when a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
20, You use more 4-letter words---"what?"..."when?"
21. Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
22. Your spouse has a night out with the guys/gals but he/she is home by 9:00 p.m; next week it will be 8:30 p.m
23. You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it before.
24. You notice everything they sell in clothing stores is "tight & sleeveless" for women and "tight & below the butt" for men.
25. You never heard of any of the people in People Magazine.
26. Your concealer doesn't conceal, your lipstick bleeds, your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
27. You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
28. What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
29. Everybody whispers.
30. Now that your spouse has retired, you'd give anything if he/she would find a job.
31. You have three sizes of clothes in your closet, two of which you will never wear again.
32. But old is good in some things---old songs, old movies, and best of all---old friends!
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301”
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . ... .. You coming empty handed?"
The Story of Four Horse
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"