Daily Chuckle

November 5th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . . . AMEN!

Questions - Questions

A husband asks his wife: 'How many men have you slept with?'

The wife proudly replies: 'Only you darling, with all the others, I was awake!'

Now that's cold.

Protocol

Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass. Like at parades.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass - real bad.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

4. GUYS, If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be Special Forces, Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven-years-old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) flies by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC. Regardless of political party, we have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.

9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me, so stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not
standard issue in the military, but real balls are a prerequisite for the job. That reminds me- if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*),'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get it's ass kicked.

And REMEMBER... It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

ONE MORE

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish - kick their ass - without mercy.

AND YET ANOTHER ONE: If you received this commentary and didn't pass it on, guess what - you deserve to get your ass kicked! I published this because I believe in the United States of America and - I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

Confucius Says:

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is Left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Relaying Messages

I usually don't relay these "add your name" lists that appear in my mailbox from time to time, but this one is too important.

This one has been circulating for months. Please, keep it going!

To show your SUPPORT for Obama's health care reform, please go the end of the list and add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire mailing list.

1. Nancy Pelosi
2. Joe Biden
3.

(Wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

For all us golfers or former golfers. Non golfers too.

Golf is harder than baseball; in golf, you have to play your foul balls.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with
an eight iron.

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

She replied: "Everything but my ear rings!"

Fore!

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.

"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him.

"How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five," answered the nephew.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
•••••
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, 'I don't think my python weally gives a hoot.'

You Have to Love the Aussies

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.*
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is - Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A:You are a British politician, right?
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.