Daily Chuckle

October 15th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

What You Can Do to Help the Economy

Sometime later this year, US Taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China ..
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you buy a computer, it will go to India.
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 Spending it at yard sales, or
2 Going to ball games, or
3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
4 Beer or
5 Tattoos.

These are the only American businesses still operating in the US. So, help the economy by going to a ball game and drinking beer with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard sale.

Two Catholic Boys

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.”

Progress?

The younger you are, the more you tend to be an early adapter of newer technologies. Someone got to wondering what future technologies his kids might berate him for not adapting:

Jeez dad, why do you keep using these old mp3 players? Don't you know everything's on audio crystals now?

I know. My dad is still listening to music with his ears. I keep telling him he can get it piped straight into his audio center in higher fidelity now. Especially with his hearing.

Well he probably refuses to mindjack onto the connected global consciousness anyway.
Yeah, my parents will only get on using a hardline. I keep telling them that the info cloud is subspace accessible now, but the idea of instantaneous high bandwidth connectivity inside their heads freaks them out. They still make me talk to them with words! It takes me forever to tell them anything! Like whole minutes even!

The Wise Pilot

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? - I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Judicial Examination

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me!"

No Nursing Home For Us!

No nursing home for us. I am checking into the Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc .. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. T V broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all our email to:
The local . . Holiday Inn!

Redneck Observations

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say, 'I gotta leak in my sink,' and the
clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder: 1) The DNA is all the same2) There are no dental records

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins..

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down? 'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total
loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't
even finished coloring one of them.'

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Hiway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any ID? 'and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'