Daily Chuckle

October 1st, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

A Diet Most Anyone Can Follow

Breakfast

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea

1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Aging, While Young

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her .... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

The Economy is Sooooo Bad!
How bad is it?

It's so bad that ...

...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
....I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
....CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
....If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
....Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
....McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
....Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
....A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
....Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
....Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
....The Mafia is laying off judges.
....Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen..
....Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

The Pubs of the UK

Three men in a pub- a Scot, Englishman and Irishman:

'Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.

But he swears every word is true. 'Well,' asked the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman . . . 'But it did happen to me sister....'

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?!

Questions

Can you cry under water?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?