Daily Chuckle

September 24th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

The Worst Divorce Letter, Ever

Dear Sylvia,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Mr. Lopez called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.

Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband,
Papi Willie

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Toronto together this summer ! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was ' You look just like Michael Jackson !' but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago...I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning .... and your silk boxers were $49.99!

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for sixty-nine million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two first class tickets to Manila, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Rich , Freeeee & Available ,..... Sylvia

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but MARIA, my SISTER, was born MARIO. Have a happy life.

Annual physical...

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is ... Blue Cross!"

HOW TRUE IT IS

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".

We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!
California's Turn...

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this:

You know you're from California if:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY! Is pot illegal?
18.. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.