Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||September 17th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist Church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second good Baptist sister answered, that indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
Know Your State’s Motto
Hell Yes, We Have
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Like Massachusetts , only smaller
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
First Of The Rectangle States
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Hookers and Poker!
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... And No Right To Self Defense!
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
At Least We're Not Michigan
Like The Play, But No Singing
Spotted Owl . . It's What's For Dinner
Cook With Coal
We're Not REALLY An Island
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
Closer Than North Dakota
Home of the Al Gore Invention
Se Hable Ingles
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Too liberal for the Kennedy's
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
One Big Happy Family ... Really!
Come Cut the Cheese!
Where Men Are Men ... And The Sheep Are Scared Home of Brokeback Mtn.
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!
Free Sex With Fillup
There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.” Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.”
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex.”
The buddy replied, “No, it’s not rigged — my wife won twice last week.”
Ain't Love Great?
An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names '
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'