The Computer Buzz

September 17th, 2009

Nome and Paul Van Middlesworth - owners - The Computer Factory
 

Cactus Jack is Back in Town

I smelled him before I saw him. Nome was out running errands and I was on my knees stocking a display when I was overwhelmed by the pungent blend of whiskey, tobacco, leather and sweat. “What brings you to town, Jack?” I asked without looking up.

“Business,” he said. “I’m restocking my shelves from Fry’s dumpster, Wanna come along?”

Cactus Jack’s store, the Rainbow Computer Emporium, sits at a dusty crossroad a mile east of Rainbow. Jack’s face is the color and texture of a catcher’s mitt. He wears a sweat stained, misshapen Stetson pulled so low that his pale blue eyes barely show through the scowl he uses for a smile. His tobacco yellowed mustache droops to his chin.

“I’ll pass on the dumpster diving Jack, how you been?” I asked. “Doin good and gittin rich” said Jack as he shot a stream of tobacco juice into the foam coffee cup he was holding.

“Well I’m happy for you Jack” I ventured, “I heard you closed your store and went to law school.” Jack waved his hand like he was shooing a fly. “Naw, I only closed down for the two weeks it took me to get my law degree. Cost me $250 but it was worth every penny.”

“So now you practice law?” I asked. Jack shook his head emphatically “Hell no, there’s not enough money in lawyerin to make it worth my time. I just hang my shingle up behind the cash register. It stops folks from suein me.”

Jack wheezed and scanned the store. “Looks like you folks are still runnin your business by tryin to please everybody.” He shook his head sadly. “I can’t believe you greenhorns have lasted this long.”

“What are we doing wrong?” I asked with a trace of irritation. Jack put his hand on my shoulder. “You can’t git rich by tryin to make your customers happy, you gotta play like the game like the big boys.”

“Like how” I asked. “Remember them $199 PCs Fry’s sold a couple of years back?” I had to laugh. “I sure do, those thing were pure garbage.” Jack pointed his finger at me. “But do you remember what brand name they used?”

“Oh yeah,” I snickered “they called them Great Quality. What did you learn from that?”

“Plenty,” Jack continued. “I buy the cheapest stuff I can find and label it ‘The Best There Is.’ Stuff sells like hotcakes.”

“Impressive,” I said. Jack leaned close enough for me to smell the Jack Daniels on his breath. “That’s nothing compared to what I learnt from Dell?”

“I’m all ears,” I said. Jack took a deep breath. “It’s my technical support 900 hotline. I only charge 25 cents a minute.”

“That’s pretty cheap,” I said.

“You can’t be making much on that.” Jack winked.

“Here’s the way it works. First I keep em on hold for 45 minutes. Then I route em to my tech service hotline in Alligator Crotch, Louisiana. All my technicians are Cajun with a speech impediment. Nobody can understand anything they say.”

“You got that idea from Dell’s Tech Service in India?” I asked. “Partly that and partly from the drive through order takers at Burger King.”

Just then Nome walked in. “Who’s Escalade with cow horns is out front- oh its you ” She said icily. It’s no secret that Nome doesn’t share my admiration for Cactus Jack. Jack knows it but he just doesn’t care. “Hello darlin, my goodness but don’t you look nice all gussied up and all.” Nome brushed on past in her jeans and sweatshirt without a word.

“You know Jack, there is something that I always wondered about” I said. “Ask me anything, I’ll be happy to help you with a little friendly advice.”

“It’s about the way you run your business. At least half the people you know must think you’re an unethical, ornery, cheating, lying skunk. How do you learn to keep that from bothering you?” Jack snorted derisively “I learnt that from Bill Clinton.”