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Daily Chuckle September 3rd, 2009
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Sunday Paper

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the North County Times newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, crap, so that's why no one was at church today."

Snotty Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I don’t want the same doctor that did yours.'

Don’t mess with old folks!

Bail ‘Em Out!

"Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"

And Then the Fight Began . . .

One year, a man decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started
•••••
My wife walked into the den & asked, "What's on the TV?"

I replied, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started
•••••

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies: 'Your eyesight is damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started
•••••
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started
•••••
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started . . .
•••••
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, I turned to her and said:

'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started . . .
•••••
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started . . .
•••••
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken guy swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started . . .
•••••
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted: 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's when the fight started . . .
•••••
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that’s when the fight started . .

Clubbing It . . .

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw hell..," says his friend, "and I just joined the KIWANIS!"

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