Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/find.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 427

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/find.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 429

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 429

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 431

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/subscribe.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 437

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/subscribe.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 439

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 439

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 441

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/contact.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 447

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/contact.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 449

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 449

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 451

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/archive.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 457

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/archive.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 459

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 459

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 461

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/r.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 467

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/r.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 469

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 469

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 471

Warning: fopen(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/dem.htm) [function.fopen]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 477

Warning: filesize() [function.filesize]: stat failed for /home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/dem.htm in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 479

Warning: fread(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 479

Warning: fclose(): supplied argument is not a valid stream resource in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/getdata.php on line 481

Warning: include(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/top1.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/dailychuckle.php on line 57

Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/top1.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php5/lib/php') in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/dailychuckle.php on line 57
Cover Story
Special Feature
Daily Chuckle
Local News
Social Butterfly
Extra
Letters to the Editor
Editorial
Professional Advice
.....The Computer
.....Buzz
Pet of the Week
Featured Merchants
Capitol Report
Service Directory
Business & Professions
Classifieds
Where to find
The Paper
How to Subscribe
Archive
Marketing/MediaKit
Contact Us
Search the site

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Chuckle August 13th, 2009
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Actual Calls Allegedly Received at the Public Golf Course Amherst, Mass.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range.
Would you like to buy them back?

Why Athletes Don't Have Regular Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature).

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

photo

 

 

 

 


Warning: include(/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/longad.php) [function.include]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/dailychuckle.php on line 217

Warning: include() [function.include]: Failed opening '/home/content/t/h/e/thepaper/html/marketing/longad.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php5/lib/php') in /home/content/20/4006920/html/archive/2009/08_13/dailychuckle.php on line 217