Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||August 6th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The Scottish Golfer
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
‘I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot ."
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over 50 for Miss Universe?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people
watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever
we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over? AMEN,
Why is it that our children
can't read a Bible in school, but
they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the
Bible in court when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher
-and, since it's in English, thank a
And remember: life is like a roll
of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it
My Favorite Joke
An Italian, a Scotsman and a
Chinese man, are hired at a
The foreman points out a huge
pile of sand. He says to the
Italian guy, 'You're in charge of
sweeping.' To the Scotsman he
says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're
in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave
for a little while. I expect you men to
make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns
after being away for a couple of
hours the pile of sand is
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't
you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no
broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa ina charge of
supplies, but he hasa disappeared and
I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the
Scotsman and says 'And you, I
thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that
ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
ma sel a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese
gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry
now. He storms off toward the
pile of sand to look for the
Just then, the Chinese man
leaps out from behind the pile
of sand and yells,
Some Little Known Facts
Minnesota became the 32nd
state on May 11, 1858, and was
orignally settled by a lost tribe
of Norwegians, seeking refuge
from the searing heat of
The state flag of Minnesota
consists of a blue background
upon which sits a design best
described as “how a 7-year old
city girl would draw a picture
titled ‘Life on the Farm.’
Minnesota gets its name from
the Sioux Indian word “Mahnee-
soo-tah,’ meaning, ‘no, really,
they eat fish soaked in lye.’
The state song of Minnesota is
“Someday the Vikings will . . aw,
The Mall of America in
Bloomington, Minnesota, covers
9.5 million square feet and
has enough space to hold
185,000 idiot teenagers yapping
away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota, is known
as “the Lutefisk Capital of the
World.” Avoid this city at all
“The Mary Tyler Moore Show”
was set in Minneapolis,
Minnesota, and was Mary’s first
real acting job since leaving the
‘Dick Van Dyke Show.” The
show about a single woman’s
struggle to find happiness in the
big city was originally called,
“Life Without Dick,” but that
was changed for some reason.
The state motto of Minnesota
is “Where Even a Man Who Wears
a Feather Boa Can Grow Up to be
Downtown Minneapolis has an
enclosed skyway system covering
52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep
without ever going outside.
The only downside to this is
that a Norwegian occasionally
turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz
was born in Minneapolis,
Minnesota, and was the only
artist to accurately depict the
perfectly circular heads of
The Hormel Company of
Austin, Minnesota, produces 6
million cans of Spam a year,
even though no one actually
eats that crap.
Water skis were invented in
1922 in Lake City, Minnesota,
by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he
drowned shortly afterwards as
the motorboat hadn’t been
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally
named “Pig’s Eye,” after
French Canadian whiskey trader,
Pierre “Pig’s Eye” Parrant.
Its “Twin City” Minneapolis
was known as “Pig’s Colon.”
The stapler was invented in
Swingline, Minnesota, by a
chubby, mumbling man named
Milton in 1899. The city was
mysteriously destroyed by fire
later that year.
Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-
foot tall concrete pelican which
subsists on a diet of 4-foot long
In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota,
erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass
corn cob to celebrate its rich,
agricultural heritage. Then, in
1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot
statue of Babe the Blue Ox.
Minnesota license plates are
blue and white and contain the
phrase, “Blizzards on
Independence Day - You Get
Use to It.”
Frank C. Mars, founder of the
Mars Candy Co., was born in
Newport, Minnesota. His 3
Musketeers candy bar originally
contained three bars in one
wrapper, each filled with a different
flavor, nougat chocolate,
spam, and lutefisk.
The first fully automatic pop-up
toaster was invented in
Minneapolis, Minnesota, in
1926. Minnesota’s stringent
bread laws currently only allow
residents to own semi-automatic toasters.
Tonka Trucks continue to be
manufactured in Minnetonka,
Minnesota, despite the thousands
of GI Joe Dolls killed by
them annually in rollover accidents.
No airbags, no seat belts;
these things are death traps, I
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder
was born in Walnut Creek,
Minnesota, and was famous for
writing “Little House on the
Prairie” series of books as well
as inventing the “Spam Diet,”
which consists of looking at a
plate of Spam until you lose
your appetite. Much like the
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable
Wisconsinites. The only way to
tell them apart is to ask them if
they voted for Mondale in ‘84.