Daily Chuckle

August 6th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

The Scottish Golfer

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

‘I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Polish Sausage
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot ."

Observations

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over 50 for Miss Universe?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier.'

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

My Favorite Joke

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get ma sel a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent. Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Some Little Known Facts About Minnesota

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858, and was orignally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians, seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “how a 7-year old city girl would draw a picture titled ‘Life on the Farm.’

Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word “Mahnee- soo-tah,’ meaning, ‘no, really, they eat fish soaked in lye.’

The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings will . . aw, never mind!”

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota, is known as “the Lutefisk Capital of the World.” Avoid this city at all costs.

“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the ‘Dick Van Dyke Show.” The show about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally called, “Life Without Dick,” but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is “Where Even a Man Who Wears a Feather Boa Can Grow Up to be Governor!”

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota, produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.

Water skis were invented in 1922 in Lake City, Minnesota, by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards as the motorboat hadn’t been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally named “Pig’s Eye,” after French Canadian whiskey trader, Pierre “Pig’s Eye” Parrant. Its “Twin City” Minneapolis was known as “Pig’s Colon.”

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota, by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1899. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16- foot tall concrete pelican which subsists on a diet of 4-foot long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota, erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. Then, in 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.

Minnesota license plates are blue and white and contain the phrase, “Blizzards on Independence Day - You Get Use to It.”

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co., was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor, nougat chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in 1926. Minnesota’s stringent bread laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe Dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts; these things are death traps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing “Little House on the Prairie” series of books as well as inventing the “Spam Diet,” which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the “Lutefisk Diet.”

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask them if they voted for Mondale in ‘84.