The Computer Buzz

July 23rd, 2009

Nome and Paul Van Middlesworth - owners - The Computer Factory
 

Microsoft's Seminar with Cactus Jack

Cactus Jack called me last week. "Pick you up in 5 minutes," he said.

"5 minutes! Where we going Jack?" I asked.

"Microsoft's havin a dog and pony show for us PC sellers at Lake San Marcos Resort."

Cactus Jack owns Rainbow Computer Emporium in the backcountry south of Temecula. He looks and talks a lot like "Yosemite Sam" but with dirty white hair and a tobacco stained mustache. Jack treats his customers with utter disdain and he's meaner than cat crap. Nome can't stand him but I kind of admire the purity of his total lack of any redeeming qualities. Jack is a man's man.

"I never go to those Microsoft seminars," I said, "They're pure PR drivel. I'm surprised you go."

"Hello, there's free food and booze and all them yahoovers from Geek Squad, Fry's and the other computer stores will be there. Getting to laugh at them bozos all by itself is worth the trouble of goin."

I looked at my watch. It was nine thirty. Jack usually doesn't get drunk until early afternoon. It seemed safe.

"Hold on and I'll see if Nome will let me go." I turned to ask her but she was already waving at me "I heard, just go," she said. "Wait for Jack in the parking lot, I don't want that stinky man coming into my store."

The presentation was starting when we arrived. Jack interrupted the speaker and tried to get him to open the bar. He told Jack that the bar opened after the presentation not before and asked him to please find a seat. Jack grumbled and the kids from Geek Squad giggled.

The speaker explained that Vista was an excellent operating system that had been sabotaged by a devilishly clever misinformation campaign led by Apple and some other anarchists. He asked the group if anyone had a suggestion as to how Microsoft could have done a better job with Vista. Jack raised his hand.

"Yer first mistake was naming it Vista," he drawled.

"Why is that?" asked the Microsoft speaker.

"Because Vista ain't a half bad place." Jack hesitated for effect. "You shoulda named it Tijuana."

The crowd went wild. It took several minutes to restore order.

The Microsoft speaker composed himself and continued "Vista is a thing of the past anyway. The new age will dawn on October 22nd when we introduce Windows 7."

At that point a huge roar went up from the Fry's sales team. "Wonderful," said the speaker excitedly, "That is exactly the kind of reception we've been looking for"

It turned out that the entire Fry's sales team had been involved in a bowling match on their iPhones. The outburst was in celebration of a two-pin victory over the Geek Squad.

At this point The Microsoft rep decided to open the bar. I had a sandwich and a couple of drinks. By then the Fry's sales guys were arguing amongst themselves over whether or not they could sell service contracts on Windows 7 and The Geek Squad had started a drinking game that involved throwing ping-pong balls into plastic cups.

Jack had bribed the bartender into giving him a whole bottle of bourbon and he sat off to the side taking huge swigs from the bottle and enjoying the spectacle.

I decided to walk back to the store.