Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||July 9th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. ‘That's it', he tells his wife. ‘I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.'
'That's no good', sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law, 'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'
'Where did it go?' says Arthur.
'I don't remember.'
The Retirement Village
For those contemplating retirement, I'll share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope are helpful.
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club, a retirement development on Florida's southeast coast on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What are we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Getting out of the car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. The checkout line in Wal-Mart takes 1/2 hour and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Here's a typical day: We get up at 5 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.
Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we return home, shower and change for the next activity. My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.
Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we have no doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints. At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour to get through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes to lunch.
Should we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam-dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors wander the parking lot for hours looking for their car while their food defrosts.
Hope this is helpful!
“Dear Abby” Admitted She Was at a Loss To Answer the Following Queries:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember, these people can vote!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Why Mr. Jackson is So Proud of His Elegant Wife