 Daily Chuckle |
July 2nd, 2009 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Bonding
This is a nice story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that there is still hope for the younger generation ...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them more or less gems-in-the-rough, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important, of course always watching out for her safety.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those bastards at Home Depot ever deliver the damned sheet rock."
The Volunteers
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant, and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
Still no takers.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. They had fled Europe after WW2, and established their own town. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant .... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norsemen had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film and asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on dat truck!"
The Elder’s Version of “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day... When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her and it's prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain... do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up, your good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps you like a well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball... he sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at... but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone. But his gout lingers on. Tell me dear,
are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not, when you're cold, then he's hot. Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right. Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and witty and smart. How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets. Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
(author unknown)
Looking back on the 9/11 Disaster one thinks “If only Dr. Seuss were with us today, this is, I think, what he would say . . .
The Binch
Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,
It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"
Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,
And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.
"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea-an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"
The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow-
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it-they started to sing!
He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!
He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.
So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.
For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!
Happy Fourth of July!
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