The Computer Buzz

June 18th, 2009

Nome and Paul Van Middlesworth - owners - The Computer Factory
 

How we met "Cactus Jack"

A customer overheard Nome berating me over a comment I made about Dell's crappy quality. He told her "Paul can't hold a candle to "Cactus Jack" up at Rainbow when it comes to bad-mouthing the competition." Nome thought if I could see how tacky and undignified competition bashing is I might change my ways. The following Saturday we drove up to see "Cactus Jack."

Rainbow Computer Emporium is located in an old bunkhouse at a dusty intersection about a mile East of "downtown" Rainbow. The sign read "RAINBOW COMPUTER EMPOREUM -- If I ain't got it, you don't need it." We peered through the open door. "Cactus Jack" scowled at us from behind the counter. "What the hell you want, can't you see I'm eatin my lunch?" He waved a half empty whiskey bottle at us and belched. He was a short stout man with a drooping salt and pepper mustache and a sweat stained, misshapen Stetson. I liked him at first sight.

Nome whispered, "Listen and learn, I'll do the talking."

"Hello Mr. Jack," she said pleasantly, "we're computer shopping and want to know how your computers compare."

Jack squinted suspiciously "Compared to what?"

"Well," she hesitated, "how about compared to Gateway." Jack rolled his eyes. "Them meadow muffins wrapped in cowhide don't deserve to be called computers. Around here we call em "Gatecrashers."

Nome blinked and took a step backwards, "What about Compaq?" Jack leaned forward and smirked, "Compaq you say? I hear the folks at the factory in China call em Comebacks cause every one of them lemons gotta "comeback" at least twice before it works right."

Nome met his smirk with an innocent smile. "And Dell?" Jack snorted "They sure knew what they was doin when they rhymed em with Hell. You cain't get the case off'n one of them suckers without bustin somthin loose and there ain't nuthin worth looking at inside of em anyway."

Nome continued, "How about HP?" Jack leaned forward across the counter. His pale blue eyes barely showed through his squint. "HP stands for "huge pile" and whar I come from if'n a man ain't proud enough to go by his rightful name he ain't considered to be much force. Don't never trust nuthin that goes by initials."

Nome continued "The guy at Fry's told us-” Jack interrupted "That second hand junk store! The only thing them varmints know how to sell is service contracts." Nome shot a triumphant glance at me. "So you recommend we buy a computer made here at Rainbow Computer"? Cactus Jack glared at her. "I don't know why you'd jump to that conclusion. We ain't no better than anybody else. Here lately I've come to think we might be worse than some." With that Jack belched again and sat down hard in his chair. He was winded.

Nome started backing toward the door. I told her to go on ahead and I would be out shortly. I joined Nome in the car a few minutes later and as we pulled out of "Cactus Jack's" parking lot she asked, "what on earth could you possibly want to say to that terrible man?".

I just smiled. "I had to kneel down and kiss his ring. We were in the presence of greatness."