 Daily Chuckle |
June 11th, 2009 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students, one pushing a bike, were walking across a university campus when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers: Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers: Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers: Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers: Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers: Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers: Seven
An engineer was crossing the road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful
princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to."
Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
The Confession
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
•••••
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
A Lick and A Promise
'I'll just give this a lick and a promise,' my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.
'What is that supposed to mean?' I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.
'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.'
'A lick and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:
1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)
2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)
3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)
4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)
5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)
8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose )
9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)
11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)
12. Calaboose (a jail)
13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
14. Dicker (To barter or trade)
15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)
17. Hoosegow ( a jail)
18. I reckon (I suppose)
19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)
20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
21. Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)
22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)
23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)
26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
27. Red up (clean the house)
28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
31. Sparking (courting)
32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)
33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)
34. Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie)
36. Tie the Knot (to get married)
37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)
38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)
40. Wearing your 'best bib and tucker' (Being all dressed up)
41. You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)
For those of you less than 70 years young, these may be confusing, but you can't use these expressions and be "cool" at the same time.
Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just A lick and a promise.
| 
