Daily Chuckle

June 4th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5.. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 . The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide. However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy' he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me some time off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her 'And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can’t work in the dark.'

Heed The Word

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT
NOW BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge Out?"

A Redneck’s Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know,
But Joe yo half-brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still.

You can’t marry Will, my gal
And please don’t tell your mother
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is you’ half-brother.

But mama knew and said my child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain’t no kin to Pappy.

Kinda' brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

Wise Acres

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son ..... 'Go get your mother.'