Daily Chuckle

May 28th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Marine Corps Bumper Stickers

"Travel To Exotic Places, Meet New People, Then Kill Them"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Guns Don't Kill People -- I Kill People"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Marine"

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"What Do You Feel When You Kill A Terrorist? ... A Reassuring Recoil"

Marines -- Providing Enemies Of America An Opportunit y To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity To What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine

"Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so yours can party in college"

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

He's My Brother -

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Observations

My wife said, “Whatcha’ doin’ today.”

“Nothin’,” sez me.

“That’s what you did yesterday,” she said.

“Wasn’t finished,” sez me.

Wise Mothers

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."