Daily Chuckle

May 14th, 2009

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma God, I just love happy endings!

Alternate correct answer: A THREESOME with old friend & perfect mate (remember, he saved your life!)
•••••
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

GAUTENG:
When you rearrange the letters:
GET A GUN

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book... It's called, 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary...

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once ... the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9 My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
•••••
It was once said that a Black man would be President of the United States when pigs fly!

Sure enough! Swine Flu!
(anonymous)

The following is apparently a list compiled by Thomas Cook the British Holiday travel agent and is a list of their top or best 20 complaints from people going on holiday.

Enjoy!

20. It’s lazy of the shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during “siesta” time – this should be banned.

19. We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.

18. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

17. We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

16. We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. The brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.

15. I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.

14. No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

13. We bought “ray-ban” sunglasses for five euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

12. There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.

11. The beach was too sandy.

10. I was bitten by a mosquito, no one said they could bite!

9. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.

8. My wife got very bad sunburn on our holiday, we should have been warned that the sun was very hot at the poolside.

7. A woman threatened to call the police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room

6. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

5. My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedroom but were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I found myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

4. A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate.”

3. It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

2. The brochure stated: “No hairdressers at the accommodation.” We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?

1. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.