 Daily Chuckle |
April 16th, 2009 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Rules for Traveling in Nebraska
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & pigs. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-29 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat perch & walleye. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce! Oh, yeah ...We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI! Chili was born and bred in Nebraska ... and we like it with tomatoes & beans!
12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
13. College and high school football is as important here as the Cowboys and the Packers, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try University of Nebraska at Lincoln, or Kearney, Doane, Dana, Peru, Wayne or Hastings College. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so 'Don't Mess with Nebraska'. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
Nebraska is the greatest state ever! If you are from Nebraska, you are one tough cookie!
Editor’s Note: True confession time. Yes, I grew up in Omaha. Yes, I’m a Cornhusker fan.
Item Two: It is axiomatic in the newspaper business that, no matter how efficient your proofreader is, he, or she, is going to miss one. Or two. And they always are found AFTER the final copy has gone to the printer. Here are a few proofreading errors. None of which, in this case at least, belong to us:
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy ...
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts
Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
•••••
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she
forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.
•••••
Suleman Breakfast, in honor of the mother of the octuplets...
You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
•••••
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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