Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||April 9th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway -but the Hershey Man will know!
YOUR AGE BY
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10).
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759.
If you haven't, add 1758.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!)
This is the only year (2009) it will ever work so spread it around while it lasts!
It Pays to Mind Your Own Business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Sister Mary Katherine
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another five years, she was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'
Black is in!
The most powerful politician in the world is Black.
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.
The best known media mogul on earth is Black.
The greatest golfer in the world is Black.
The top female tennis players in the world are Black.
The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.
The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.
The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.
The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.
The fastest human on the planet is Black.
... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.
These classifieds (allegedly) actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife
To My Dear Friends at IRS
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax,
dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventor tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state, and local surcharge tax telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capital gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, California property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank, ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course your boss, Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Have a nice day!