Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||March 19th, 2009|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
“The problem with Socialism is you soon run out of other people’s money.”
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which we'd rather not mention.
H High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory; we forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
Just give us a pill and we'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year we are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds.
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed, and
We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So ... maybe we're off the hook?
The Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Work or Pleasure?
The Ship's Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Ships Officers. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
A Deck Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Engineering Officer said it was 50-50%.
A Chief Warrant Officer responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Admiral turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir," began the seaman, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."