 Daily Chuckle |
January 8th, 2009 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
English - How She is Spoken
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)
There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm-UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ... my time is UP, so time to shut UP!
No Mushrooms, Please . . .
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now,' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.’
Stay Young With Me
We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are!
How To Stay Young
1. Try everything twice. On Madam’s tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice ... loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
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