Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||December 11th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Requiem for The Chargers
The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of San Diego.
For the first offense, they give you two Chargers tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Chargers.
Q. How do you keep a Charger out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Charger with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Chargers and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Chargers does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!
Q. What do the Chargers and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
XYZ Bank Corp
Dear Sir /Madam,
In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds", does that refer to me or you?
Your Worried Customer
Some of recording artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba--- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
A new supermarket has just opened near us. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Ok, Folks. Texas has given you complainers plenty of time to get used to the election results. After listening to all the whiners after the election, some folks from Real Texas have decided that we might just take matters into our own hands.
First a little history lesson. It's our independent nature to point out the people who enjoy the Texas Lifestyle have the right to secede and form our own country once again whenever the people of Texas choose to do so. Some other states also have this right. The difference is, Texas has actually pulled that trigger before. Yes, Texas was an Independent Republic before it became a state and can secede. Nothing inherently prohibits that from taking place.
Let's get this straight. John McCain, a real American hero, carried Texas by over a million votes. Texans can still smell the fires of the Twin Towers . We would also honor President Bush. George Bush simply did what any RealTexan would do and that is to go try his best to annihilate anyone who was responsible for attacking us. We don't fault him for that. We applaud that sort of behavior. It's Texas politics, Texas style.
We're ready to secede.
Don't get me wrong. We like ya'll - We just don't want to be like ya'll.
#1: Barak Obama becomes President of the United States (all the other 49 states).
#2: Ross Perot becomes the next President of the Republic of Texas and invites John McCain to be an honorary Texan. We honor our heroes in Texas and honor their service. McCain is welcome here and he can be Secretary of the Texas Navy. Native Texan George Foreman will be Secretary of Defense. After all is said and done, we wish Mr. Obama well. We really do.
We expect one of Perot's first acts as President of the Republic will be to tear down the border wall and erect a 10' wall around Austin to keep the "Austin Weird" folks in and away from the rest of us. If they will just pipe their Texas music out over the wall, it will keep the rest of us happy. However, Willie will be Secretary of Agriculture and music. Wonder what he will grow?
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic? Here's a few things to be aware of. Texas is the 11th largest economy on the planet. We are bigger than Spain and right behind Great Britain. We are also bigger than Russia. We are an economic force to be reckoned with. We have a constitutional amendment to balance our budget ... and we do it. We also have a multi-billion dollar budget surplus this year. We are so big, we have our own power grid. Yes, that's true.
NASA is in Houston. (We will control the space industry.) We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States. Defense Industry? We have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning. Oil - we can supply all the oil the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Obama states? Sorry about that. As David Werst said, "We like ya'll, we just don't want to be like ya'll." You can buy oil (pronounced like ya'll) from us instead of terrorist countries that hate you. We will love you for paying so much to us instead of Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Kuwait and others.
You don't want to 'drill baby drill' or put up with those nasty oil wells? Well, we do and we know how to do it without polluting the land, air, and sea. BTW-We have our own ports and shipping lanes. We're also not "waiting on our FEMA check" to rebuild Galveston. We are doing it right now as we speak.
Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and again, it's just too bad about you blue Obama states who don't want drilling. We've been driving around with those big tanks in the backs of our pickups for years now. We'll switch over to compressed natural gas. Obama will figure a way to keep ya'll warm ... according to your need. Or, you could use ocean waves, or make friends with Hugo Chavez or what's his name in Iran.
Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell, EDS, Raytheon, Motorola, Intel, Austin Technology Centers Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.
Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, and other large health centers. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas State University, Rice, SMU, TCU, University of Houston , Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway. We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more).
But, we won't have an illegal immigration problem. Former Texas Governor candidate Kinky Friedman solved that. He proposed we pay 5 Mexican Generals a million a year to control illegal immigration-folks coming from Mexico to Texas/illegally. For every illegal that slips through, we deduct $10,000. Wonder how many will get across the border into Texas? We won't need a Border Patrol.
We like tourism. Come stay a while. Enjoy a Cowboys game or go to Six Flags over Texas ... then go home. We don't need any more Californians coming here and messing things up. Or, they could live in Austin where we can keep an eye on 'em.
We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here is heavily armed and has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 6 hours if we need it. That's the Texas way. When the tower sniper started shooting in Austin a few years back, citizens piled out of their cars and pickups and started returning fire within 2 minutes. Our citizens are licensed to carry handguns on their person.
We have a saying down here: "If you mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horn." And an even more remarkable finding from the past ... Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush: 0.1 of one percent. Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore: 13.2. In Texas, even some of our school teachers carry guns.
We won't surrender our kids to nuts and terrorists without a fight. Don't even think about messing with us.
If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Texas DPS and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good (even rattlesnake).
Don't need any food.
Arts? Bob Wills is still the king, but we also like different types of music, Country .. and ..Western. We even have our own beer. Lone Star, The National Beer of Texas. This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, we'll sell you gas too. We'll call the gas company Texasco or something like that. Happy to do it. You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications or ask you to pay for the signal. It will be Texas Direct TV. Hank Jr. will move here and be in charge of programming.
Did you know we don't even have an income tax?
We have all we need here in God's country and like I've already said, if we don't have it, we don't need it. We will have cheap, plentiful energy. The new Texas Secretary of Energy, T. Boone Pickens, will be putting up thousands of wind generators all over the west Texas plains and since everybody else thinks Texas is full of hot air, we might as well take advantage of it.
Good luck. Ya'll are gonna need it.
Signed, The People of Real Texas