Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||September 25th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
This is a Fool Proof Best Friend Test.
If you don't believe it, just try this.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who's happy to see you?
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.. and left it there all night.
Rules of Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat . . IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. We have conservative values, belong to the NRA, and think liberals have a mental disorder.
14. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. College and High School football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
17. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!
Hymn Titles by Occupation
Do you know your (specific) hymn(S)?
Dentist's Hymn . . . Crown Him with many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn . . . There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn . . . The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn . . . Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn . . . There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn . . . Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn . . . Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn . . . I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn . . . Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn . . . Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn . . . Sweet Buy and Buy
The Realtor's Hymn . . . I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn . . . He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn . . . The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph . . . God Will Take Care of You
65mph . . . Nearer My God To Thee
85mph . . . This World Is Not My Home
95mph . . . Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph . . . Precious Memories
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'