Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||September 18th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, 'I'm not going.'
'Why not?' she asked.
‘I'll give you two good reasons,' he said. 'One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!'
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. 'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. 'Where would you like to sit?' he asked politely.
'The front row please,' she answered.
'You really don't want to do that,' the usher said.'The pastor is really boring.'
'Do you happen to know who I am?' the woman inquired.
'No.' he said.
'I'm the pastor's mother,' she replied indignantly.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked.
'No.' she said.
'Good,' he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.'
The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.'
The third student got up front of the class and said, 'My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole.'
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said. 'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.'
'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.'
The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. 'I've had a pretty good life,' the twenty proclaimed. 'Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.'
'Wow!' said the one-dollar bill. 'You've really had an exciting life!'
'So tell me,' says the twenty, 'where have you been throughout your lifetime?'
The one dollar bill replies, 'Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church...'
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, 'What's a church?'
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
‘Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, "13...13 ...13"...
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through it to see what was going on. Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting "14....14....14”
Points to Ponder
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?