Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||August 7th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked.
"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
And (drum roll please) the best one of all . . .
He: “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”
She: “You might be. You look familiar.”
A creative writing class at Slippery Rock University was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
The prizewinner wrote:
“My God,” said the queen. “I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?”
A Lesson in Morality
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can 't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 depending on cup and speaker size....
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.......
There was a Georgia phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Derrell, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Derrell and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three?" "Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Derrell, "but you should see how much they left stickin'
out of the ground!"