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Daily Chuckle July 31st, 2008
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Zen Judaism
by Mark Miller

If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip.. joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

There is no escaping karma.
in a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
and sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it
kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Wisdom of the Air

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
(From an old carrier sailor)

For all of the actual and potential pilots out there:

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S--t!"

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings,
sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

A Lesson Learned

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well ... Kiss your ass goodbye!

Have A Nice Day And Be Careful With Your Donkey

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're still in good shape if you can touch your toes. Using your boobs doesn't count.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

 

 

 


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